Being Real

I know how to say what I am

2006-11-15T16:35:00.000-07:00

"Pantheist"

From Wikipedia.com:

However, some pantheists hold that the pantheist viewpoint is the most ethical viewpoint, pointing out that any harm done to another is doing harm to oneself because what harms one harms all. What is good and evil isn't the mandate of something outside of us, but as a result of the way we are all interconnected. Instead of good choices being based on fear of divine punishment, it comes from a mutual respect from all things.

Baruch Spinoza (1632-1677) established the formal philosophy of Pantheism over 300 years ago. In his “Ethics” he wrote:

Whatsoever is, is in God, and without God nothing can be, or be conceived. God is the indwelling, and not the transient cause of all things.

—Baruch Spinoza

Albert Einstein appeared to agree with Spinoza when he said:

I believe in Spinoza's God who reveals Himself in the orderly harmony of what exists, not in a God who concerns himself with fates and actions of human beings

—Albert Einstein

God does not die on that day when we cease to believe in a personal deity, but we die when our lives cease to be illuminated by the steady radiance, renewed daily, of a wonder, the source of which is beyond all reasoning. When the sense of the earth unites with the sense of one's body, one becomes earth of the earth, a plant among plants, an animal born from the soil and fertilizing it. In this union, the body is confirmed in its pantheism

—Dag Hammarskold, Secretary General of the U.N. (1953-1961)

2006-10-31T22:15:00.000-07:00

J33: "Premature air guitar"

Mobile Email from a Cingular Wireless Customer http://www.cingular.com

2006-10-18T15:33:00.000-06:00

Best bumper sticker seen while driving to work: BUSH GOD LIED TO YOU

Mobile Email from a Cingular Wireless Customer http://www.cingular.com

New Years Day Today Sucker

2006-10-17T17:41:00.000-06:00

Here is the low-down on the down-side of the up-side living of life ...

I haven't blogged because I am a "lame-e-ack". I am not sure of the exact spelling of that word as I am going to have to ask the creator, a six-year old with a creative use of words, how he thought it might be spelled if someone was using it on a blog to describe one self.

Life has progressed and transcended into a whirl-wind of awesomeness. I am more into this life than I have ever been, and on the horizon things look like a watercolor masterpiece.

I want to remember all the funny quotes the kids tell me when they think I am not listening, because seriously Jay Leno has nothing on these kids. I am going to start posting them as often as I can remember to turn on my box of info and input their brilliance.

I want to write about all the great things going on in my atmosphere with beautiful words that express the feelings running through my every cell. I have to remember to do that.

I am embarking on a self healing mission that includes eating healthy, exercise and love.

Life is good.

Our Leader Irks Me

2006-09-19T11:48:00.000-06:00

So here is this great article on how gas prices could drop:

http://articles.moneycentral.msn.com/Investing/CNBC/Dispatch/LowGasolineMaybe.aspx?GT1=8579

Key point:

Crude oil zoomed to nearly $80 a barrel this summer as traders fretted about
waning supplies and two big potential problems: tensions over Iran's nuclear
research program and Katrina-style hurricanes threatening oil production in the
Gulf of Mexico."

"But prices began falling a month ago when it
became clear hurricane season wouldn't be anything like last year. Oil traders
have come to sense, too, that all the saber rattling over Iran was dissipating.
"We got everyone leaning the wrong way," Beutel said.

Then Bush opens his ever widing mouth, and this:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14888490/?GT1=8506

On the sidelines, Bush pressed Iran to return at once to international talks on
its nuclear program and threatened consequences if they do
not.

Speaking to Iranians, Bush said their country's future has
been clouded because "your rulers have chosen to deny you liberty and to use
your nation's resources to fund terrorism and fuel extremism and pursue nuclear
weapons."

I just want it noted that, in fact there was foresight into what happens next ...

Reasons Why

2006-06-01T17:55:00.000-06:00

I haven't written in so long
Not due to nothing to say
Rather too much all at once

Time needed
Sorting thoughts
Sorting angles and rectangles and rounds
Round
Round

Faster than I have ever known
Never have I known a love like this
So much that it overtakes my
Life, in which I know
This is
Is what it means

All those songs
And poems flowing with magic images
Ones I clearly understand
With clarity I have never known

So that is why
Now it seems as if I could not
Understand not feeling this love
For now, and always
I would do anything to keep it real
Here and now

I love how it feels to be swallowed
And can't breathe but suffocated in happiness
That feeling
That rush
Rollercoaster rush
With your hands in the air
No, not like that
That is mechanical
This is more
And sustaining

I love
Oh how I love
More love than I thought I could

My struggle is how to never
Get out of the clear cool pool in the hidden cavern
Never to get dirty with human dispair
Don't let it suck me in
I don't want to let it bother me
I want to believe

Please don't take it away
Is it bad to want that
Want that for the rest of my days
I want to cuddle in it
Wake up to it
Dream it

On the topic of Big Love

2006-05-03T11:36:00.000-06:00

Buy them all through my CafePress Store

The Easter We Got Jacked

2006-04-17T10:43:00.000-06:00

We spent our evening dying 56 Easter eggs. 56, I tell you. That is a lot of dunking and drying. Nights filled with technicolor vision of eggs dancing in our dreams. The Easter bunny came in the night and hid all 56 eggs out in the front of the house. I was up at 12:30 pm and I my little girl was up by 8:00am to find the eggs. So there was a small window of time in which the following could occur:

We got jacked!

That morning as we searched for the hidden eggs, we came to realize that we only had 36 of the original 56 eggs. There was no half eaten eggs on the front lawn or cracked shells as if some small animal had gotten hungry for egg sandwich in the middle of the night. No evidence of the dissaperance, but plain and simple they were GONE.

Someone, had gone to the trouble to steal 20 Easter eggs in the middle of the night or in the wee hours of the morning. This is no easy task to steal 20 eggs as you can't simple slip them into your pockets. One must have a carrying basket or shirt that you can fold into a holding container to haul away 20.

I leave my Jeep unlocked everynight where my CD player and other various items go untouched, but that Easter bunny best think twice next year when leaving eggs out in the lawn ... you just never can trust eggs available for the taking.

My Little Sister is Growing Up

2006-04-11T21:38:00.000-06:00

Too Cute

2006-04-03T22:05:00.000-06:00

My daughter:

Little bunny foo-foo walking through the forest, scooping up the field mice and boppin them on the head. Down came the good fairy and she said, little bunny foo-foo I don't want to see you scooping up the field mice and boppin them on the head. I will give you three more chances until I turn you into a bacoon.

Samantha (my 12 yr old sister):

Ummmm, what is a 'bacoon'

My daughter without ever skipping a beat:

a little hairy monster

Samantha:

Didn't you mean racoon or baboon

My daughter:

No, a bacoon

We laughed till our sides started aching. So next time you hear a little noise, or think there is something under your bed. THERE IS. A bacoon.

What Do You Title It?

2006-03-13T13:11:00.000-07:00

Jeff Foxworthy on Mormons

2006-03-09T09:44:00.000-07:00

(Foxworthy did his research pretty well)

This is to all of you that may be a Mormon, that may know a Mormon, that may live in Utah, that may have lived in Utah or have heard about Mormons.
If all your dishes have your name written on them with masking tape... You might be a Mormon.

If you postdate your checks while shopping on Sunday... You might be a Mormon.

If you believe Heck is the place for people who do not believe in gosh... You might be a Mormon.

If your Mom was pregnant at your sister's wedding reception... You might be a Mormon.

If you pray that your food might "nourish and strengthen your body" before eating doughnuts... You might be a Mormon

If you think Jell-O is one of the basic food groups... You might be a Mormon

If at least one of your salad bowls is at a neighbor's house... You might be a Mormon.

If you've ever written a "Dear-John" to more than two missionaries on the same day..... You might be a Mormon.

If you were frustrated when your son "only" got accepted to Harvard... You might be a Mormon.

If you have one kid in diapers and one on a mission... You might be a Mormon.

If you have never arrived at a meeting on time... You might be a Mormon.

If you have more wheat stored in your basement than most third world countries... You might be a Mormon.

If you've already got your order in for volume 50 of "The Work and The Glory"... You might be a Mormon.

If you think it is all right to watch football on Sundays as long as a direct descendant of Brigham Young is playing... You might be a Mormon.

If you have to guess more than five times the name of the child you're disciplining... You might be Mormon.

If you automatically assume that BYOB means, Bring Your Own Burgers... You might be Mormon.

If you go to a party and someone spikes the punch with Pepsi... You might be a Mormon.

If you arrive to an activity an hour late and are the first person there... You might be a Mormon.

To My Little Wonder,

2006-03-01T17:04:00.000-07:00

Wow, Princess, time sure flies. Just the other night I was looking at your features, your cute nose and beautiful brown eyes, when I noticed, just how much you had grown. No longer do you have those chubby baby checks that begged to be squeezed, or that little cute toosh all wrapped up in a diaper as you chugged along your way. You have stopped reaching up to me asking to "hold you" when you wanted picked up. You no longer can be entertained for hours with cheerios spread across the table for you to find.

There you were smiling up at me, and I saw before me my little girl. My little girl who is now growing into a wonderful young lady. You already have that determination in you to that you will reach for the stars, even to only land in the tree-tops. Which I have always told you is better than reaching for the tree-tops and landing in the dirt. You are now in charge of your little world, figuring out how to make it spin. You don't need my hand when crossing the street, or scared of getting lost into the grocery store. You are concerned with learning how to make the most of this life you have, and spreading joy as you go.

Thank you for that glimpse into your world. Thank you for showing me just how truly amazing you are.

Love for ever and always, infinity and beyond,
Your Mom

Hey Look! It's Gas Price Talk

2006-03-01T15:59:00.000-07:00

This is pretty nifty. Just enter your zip code in the site below, and it tells you which gas stations have the cheapest prices (and the highest) on gas in your zip code area. It's updated every evening.

http://autos.msn.com/everyday/gasstations.aspx?zip=&src=Netx

My First Day As A Professional

2006-02-27T21:29:00.000-07:00

I may work in the corporate world, coding and creating a highly functional digital manual ... but never before have I felt more accomplished than reading that if you want to lay tile, one must call the professionals.

It all has to do with the back-breaking-board or in the tile biz called backerboard. Not only is this more stiff than a freshmen boy finding himself in a nekkid cheerleading locker room, but it can survive four billion years submerged in water at your local Home Depot display. This my folks is what the professionals use, nevermind the temptation for hot and wild sex on freshly laid tiles, get to the backerboard!

This is how I spent my weekend.

A Post About Nothing

2006-02-23T10:48:00.000-07:00

Well I have been debating for several days on how to follow-up that last post. I have pondered over miles of road on my way to work, and thought about the possibility of posting about the Salt Lake City commuter, realizing that holds about as much interest as Dick Cheney's views on same-sex marriage, I thought better of it. Then I arrived at work and thought about the fascinating post of corporate jargon used, like my new favorite phrase "cube-mate" and again decided that telling about my latest paper-cut would be equally fascinating. At work I don't have any deep thoughts at all unless you consider, 'is it tequila time yet?' meaningful? I don't know, there might be something there.

So here I am rambling, and you are still reading. Which proves a couple of things, 1)Seinfield was brilliant with the idea that people really are interested in nothing, and 2) You like me, you really like me!

Okay more coffee is needed ...

All The Reasons In The World

2006-02-14T17:29:00.000-07:00

He can say "I love you" without hesitation
He is a good Father
He is so cute when he geeks
He holds my hand just because
He is funny and witty
He notices the small things
He remembered my Mom's birthday
He expands my mind with new ideas and ways to look at the world
He treats people with respect and is genuinely nice
He is willing to try new things
He likes Sex and the City
He picks out gifts that mean something
He plays with the dog even though he was a cat person
He adds art to my blog, he colorizes my world
He lets me ask, "what are you thinking?" five hundred times
He stares into my eyes when I am talking
He makes me smile on a tough day
He is the only person that I have ever really made love to
He is amazing at making love
He takes time to let me know he is thinking of me
He works hard
He is smart
He didn't give up when it would have been easy to walk away
He is willing to be vulnerable with me
He trust me
He has a great build and feels so good when lying next to me
He hugs me and I feel the connection
He connects to me
He is easy to love
He is good with my daughter
He is patient
He is willing to be in an awkward situation if it means being together
He reads my blog
He is a partner
He is talented in so many ways
He helps my brother
He shovels the walks
He knows how to fix things
He gets excited about the future
He makes a great cup of coffee
He is wonderfull to have coffee with
He talks to me and works for communication
He touches and my body melts
He smells good
He tells his boys that they are loved
He likes to be the driver
He is willing to go shopping with me
He is competitive
He is grounding when I feel sand slipping away from me
He makes the effort
He knows that he isn't perfect
He loves the whole me
He has my heart and holds it carefully
He looks cute snowboarding
He likes to do kid stuff
He has talked on the phone for a long period just to connect
He made a snow scene out of puddy
He is a good son
He knows that sometimes you have to just let go
He cares
He will still on occasion open the car door for me
He will carry my lipstick in his coat pocket
He has good opinions
He is good at research
He will wrestle on the floor with the kids to see them laugh
He really enjoys being "Daddy"
He knows when I am joking
He isn't afraid to say he is afraid
He is my balance in my world
He remembers to include everyone
He remembered that my Great-Grandmother passed the month we met
He isn't overly jealous but cares enough to be concerned
He says "no" sometimes
He is what I was looking for
He has great arms
He is a great companion on road trips
He is the kind of person you can see yourself spending a lifetime knowing
He is fascinating
He teaches me things I didn't know before
He still is "it" for me
He gives the best hand massages in the world
He is the best
He blushes and it is adorable
He is still humble
He is thorough in making decisions
He makes me a better person just by knowing him
He makes me giggle
He made me believe in love
He believes in a better tomorrow
He is willing to see it through
He took a chance
He is someone I love being with
He looks great in a white dress shirt
He makes my toes curl with excitement
He is a great kisser
He drinks white wine with me even though he prefers red
He has opened my mind to indie movies
He thinks murder documentaries are good date flicks
He goes to chick flicks with me
He is more than 100 things to love

Happy Valentines

Reason #63581 That I Love Him

2006-02-02T11:58:00.000-07:00

I openly admitted to listening to Rush Limbaugh to gain an understanding of the seriously deranged other side, and he just smiled.

GW Bush Drinking Game

2006-01-31T14:10:00.000-07:00

Here is my idea of a fun way to get drunk tonight:

Tonight, at 7:00PM, President Bush is giving his State of the Union Address...Yeah, to play this game, you have to watch it! I know, I know, it'll be painful to hear that jackass speak, but... it'll be fun!

So, every time the Pres says "working hard" you have to CHUG your beer! And I mean CHUG damnitt!!

Then, every time he does his little fist shake thing, you have to take a sip... we lessened that part of it because the guy does that WAY TOO OFTEN!

Bleeding for Love

2006-01-27T09:50:00.000-07:00

Nightmares as I sleep
Tears flow easily
Words don't heal me
My heart weeps

Answers become apparent
Though I refuse to look
Facing it all becomes
My pain transparent

Not enough
To take the risk
To change what is
For what could be abrut

How to imagine
My life without
What has become my
Breath of reason

Hearing my inner voice
To say yes to me
And no to pain
Because that is a choice

Trying to look away
In hopes that all can
Return to just
Handprints in clay

Pain doesn't fade
I can't ignore the wounds
Bleeding for love
Life feeding my rage

Help me heal
Reach out to me
And let go of safe
Lets get back to being real

On Politics

2006-01-26T10:04:00.000-07:00

Will Ferrell -- Bush on Global Warming

My morning thought as I glanced up to see Fox News (yes, because here in Utah my corporate office thinks that is the best source of fair and honest reporting) covering Bush's speech yesterday was, "two more years .... just make it two more years".

It Must Be Nice

2006-01-25T10:20:00.000-07:00

I was at work, and reading on The 10 Attitudes of Successful Workers, because I don't think "don't talk to me I haven't had coffee" was going to be in the top ten but I was hoping for maybe a number 11 or something. When all a sudden I came upon the following informative piece; "Dr. Martin Seligman, an authority on optimism".

I want to know how does one become an "authority on optimism"? Is there a degree for this? Would there be like a Doctorate of Optimism offered at the university of Happy? Hmmm, come to think of it, I am sure there is a course like that at BYU, they are the experts on happiness I am sure.

Not me, I am going to strive to become the next authority on satisfied. When people want to know what is satisfactory in life, they will have to come ask me. I don't want to talk about over achieving or under performing, just on what is satisfactory. I assume the conversation will go like this:

Here is a top 10 list on Attitudes of a Satisfied Worker:

1. I am in charge of punching in the timeclock. You know what time you are expected to arrive at work, and you get there in time to swipe your timebadge before becoming tardy.

2. Anything is okay. You look at opportunity as pain verses pleasure, and as long as the scales are equal, life is okay.

3. No task is too small or too big. It is just the right amount of work for you. You don't take on too much but you also are challenged enough to feel okay.

4. Everyone you work with is a co-worker. Neither friend nor foe, and that is how you keep it.

5. I was made to do this job ... and just that. You don't need promotions or demoting because you are perfectly suited for your job.

6. It is what you know. That is what makes you perfectly suited for your job, you know how to do it, and do it to meet the required guidelines.

7. What else? There is nothing else. That is because you are are okay with your job, you need not to take on anything new.

8. Failure sucks, and so does success. That is why you just stay where you are. No emotional rollarcoaster, and that is good.

9. You are your own ... well .... Administrator. Supportive enough to get the job done, but not a cheerleader that is over the top.

10. Your monitor turns off at the end of the day. You know how to leave the work at the job and not carry it over into your personal life. You come to work, ready to work and leave your life at the door when you clock in.

A Funny Email Forward

2006-01-23T14:14:00.000-07:00

Resolution #1:

1999: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
2000: I will read at least 10 books a year.
2001: I will read 5 books a year.
2002: I will finish the book I started in 2001.
2003: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.
2004: I will read at least one article this year.
2005: I will try and finish the comics section this year.

Resolution #2:

1999: I will get my weight down below 200.
2000: I will watch my calories until I get below 220.
2001: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 250.
2002: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2003: I will work out 5 days a week.
2004: I will work out 3 days a week.
2005: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

Resolution #3:

1999: I will not spend my money frivolously.
2000: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
2001: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
2002: I will be totally out of debt by 2003.
2003: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 2004.
2004: I will try to pay off the debt interest by 2005.
2005: I will try to be out of the country by 2006.

Resolution #4:

1999: I will never take another drink of alcohol again.
2000: I will limit myself to only drinking once per month.
2001: I will only drink on weekends.
2002: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.
2003: I will not touch the bottle before noon.
2004: I will not become a "problem drinker".
2005: I will not miss any AA meetings.

Ha! My Horoscope is Better Than Yours

2006-01-20T10:26:00.000-07:00

"... are less likely to encounter the usual insane clown posse that clogs up your schedule and complicates your life."

Must mean more tequila then!

Look Ma What I Bought Online

2006-01-19T16:06:00.000-07:00

"I can hear tequila calling"

Yep, it is my new shirt I just bought. This site, Spreadshirt, lets you design your own, of course I wasn't so cleaver to state the obvious in this situation, but Jason from Kottke told me about EverythingAndNothing who did.

I think I shall wear it for St. Patty day.

Top Keywords Used to Get to This Site

2006-01-17T17:03:00.000-07:00

1.
shredded carrots and lime jello

2.
HOMELESS VERNAL

I really don't think much more needs to be said.

Things said before hearing the phrase "I am SOOOO going to blog that!"

2006-01-17T13:56:00.000-07:00

While lying in bed over romantic conversation:

"Yes I tan nekkid except one towel placed carefully around the bits so not to get burned"

In response:

"You mean you wrap it around your balls?"

Now in full retaliation:

"YES, they are super sensitive, can you imagine a sunburn on them????"

While asking about computer support by my Mom:

"Can you fry the motherload with too much moisture?"

On The Subject of Kids and Birthdays

2006-01-12T09:40:00.000-07:00

We are snuggling in bed this morning, and my daughter turns to me and says, "Mom I missed his birthday and I wanted to make him a card." I reassure her that it is still okay to make one now and give it to him tonight when he comes over, he will still enjoy it.

She gets quiet.

Then she says, "I would like it to say: Happy Birthday. You are fun and my Mom's favorite boy of any boy, and you make us happy. Your friend, [her]".

I couldn't have said it better myself.

The Answer To The Best "Dumb" Question I Have Been Asked

2006-01-10T22:36:00.000-07:00

Because a while back I met a guy who happened to be just what I never knew I was looking for. I only wanted a best friend who was good in bed, yet he gave me more. He showed me what love could be, and how to really be happy, and why every inch of my body desires to be with him. How it feels to have his thought consume my mind for days, that turn to months, that has now turned to a year. I never knew I needed someone to show me how to risk it all for someone that truly deserves it, to really put aside reservation and just jump. That is why you -- because I love you.

Well that and hot penguin sex ;)

Ha Ha

2006-01-05T18:02:00.000-07:00

I am singing loudly to Alanis Morissette this morning in my Jeep
Singing along to Velvet Revolver at work
Jammin to old Poison this afternoon
And finishing off my day with "She Fuckin Hates Me"

Is it time to go home yet?

Double Dawg Dare

2005-12-29T16:05:00.000-07:00

Unlike licking a cold metal pole in the middle of winter, writing about "women who don't answer previous emails" is fairly easy challenge. You see my second job has all but sharpened my people skills (oh baby I got skills) and I know that in order to keep conversation a flow you must avoid certain topics while focusing on others. It is often referred to the "distraction method" in parenting, and wouldn't you know it works on most men too.

I say most because every so often I come across a guy in conversation that tries to outwit the hare, and therefore creates a maze of interaction. Playing ping pong while blindfolded, if you will. It can be fun and exciting but what happens when you get a plastic ball in the forehead? Things to consider, I say.

Last night I spent the good portion of my evening talking to two pilots for a major airline company. They were of course in the bar looking for female interaction, and we started to discuss the entire dance of the mating dance in the 21st century. What makes a good relationship, what makes just a good physical connection and why even bother?

You would be surprised at the one finding I came upon. I said that I had heard on a radio talk show that basically men have to needs: food and sex. If you are to satisfy those two needs then all else falls into place. In conversation with the "other side" they said that in fact that probably is a very good way to look at it in the most simplified terms. We of course expanded to say that sex must be because of "want and desire" and not a chore, and that food comes "nurture and caring" for your mate.

So then I say .... in an email, are we getting food or sex?

Mom Was Right

2005-12-28T10:14:00.000-07:00

Taking your vitamins really IS good advice. A recent British article published that research done by a US team found that a daily dose of 25 mg of Vitamin D can prevent more than 25 chronic diseases.

The most alarming fact about this whole article is that it is published in a UK online periodical and yet the research was done in the US. Why is it that this isn't all over the front page of our local news? I checked MSN - nothing. CNN - nothing. Even FoxNews didn't report it.

Can you imagine stopping more than 25 different cancers simply by upping your dose of vitamin D? All the lives that have been lost to cancer for nothing.

I guess maybe this hits close to home as I have lost two people in which I dearly love to cancer way before their time. It was a painful death to watch, something that changed my life forever. I would like to see more information on this finding and see if on a larger case study it proves to be accurate.

Anyways I guess it is back to more important news such as Tori Spelling is now engaged. Yippee!

I Just Wanted To Say ...

2005-12-27T15:57:00.000-07:00

Thank you!

Thank you for being so thoughtful
To find gifts that are exactly for me
What I needed and what I wanted
Personal and specialized

I can't explain how I feel
To be with someone who
Takes the time to really
Really understand who I am

A Gift

You are to me.

Gather round, this could get interesting ...

2005-12-20T10:20:00.000-07:00

There is this great service that Google is testing called Google Analytics. It is one of the most impressive services to tell you any and all data concerning your website traffic and use. There are charts and graphs and all sorts of bells and whistles to give you that tingly feeling, trust me on this, it is good.

But here is the show-stopper ....

Are you ready?

I have READERS IN VERNAL UTAH!

If you are outside of Utah (yes the other 3 of you reading), you may not understand the full meaning of what I just spoke, so I will explain. You see I have actually been to the Unita Basin where there is this little community called Vernal. Try saying that out loud: vern-al. Yea, sounds appealing doesn't it? I believe this community is funded by the farming that takes place, and it appears at first glance to be like any farming community in the US, except one major thing, it is in Utah. We all know Utah would like to be annexed from the rest of the country, but can't, so they just operate as if they were. Yea, that and they like shredded carrots in lime jello.

So the folks I met in Vernal were either the worlds hardest partiers or the most moral, there was not any in between. Perhaps I should have spent more time getting to know the folk, but I thought for a city girl like myself to spend a weekend there was more than enough. THEY STILL MAKE AND DRINK MOONSHINE in Vernal. Have you ever smelled that stuff? I think it would make nose hair trimmers completely useless as it burns off anything within two inches of the fumes it emits. Someone take a close whiff and tell me if my theory works.

So there you are in Vernal, with nothing to do, and so you try this moonshine, which is a first cousin once removed from gasoline. There is nothing on the 5 channels of TV so what next?

I suppose this is where I get my 9 Vernal readers.

*Cheers* this cup of eggnog is for you.

Good Idea

2005-12-13T16:39:00.000-07:00

Motif Monday - there is a topic and you write on it. Simple, yet brilliant.

This week's is "A Good Deed", and Hannihaus' blog got me thinking about the subject. The real biting part is this is during the holiday season which doing good deeds seem to be as standard as nasty fruit cake. Just by the fact that I compared fruit cake to good deeds should suggest something. I am not a good-doer and am really okay with the fact.

People might think this is sad, and give me all sorts of examples where I have been not nasty to someone therefore defaulting to being "nice". That can make you feel decent if said with enough sincerity to believe it. I do not need that.

I think people who do good deeds are people that rescue children from third world orphanages, or build houses for a homeless man who is a known drunk, or give up their worldly goods and go dig ditches to bring water to a drought community. Those are good deeds.

I don't.

I am okay with mediocrity and just simply surviving the day to day life task ahead of me. Perhaps someday I might have the desire to really go out into this world and do good deeds, and maybe I will change someone's life forever.

Till then I will not make chili out of my dog for puking all over the floor and then not cleaning it up. I won't sell my child on the black market because they might be the only ones who can take her attitude. I promise not to drive insanely fast into the back end of the jackass who almost caused me a roll over on I-15 at 70 mph. I won't even yell at the kid who rams his Mom's shopping cart into the back of my heels while he is learning to drive. This one, just because it is the season, is that I promise to say at least one nice thing about my ex this month when he doesn't pay me the money he owes for our child care.

Cheers

New Orleans and Time

2005-12-09T10:27:00.000-07:00

There's not a working clock in this entire city. This morning I went on my walk and the big clock by St. Patrick's Church on Camp said it was 2:30, as I walked on the Whitney clock said it was 11:15 and by the time I hit the French Quarter a clock there told me quite firmly that it was 6:00 o'clock.

I'm not really surprised at this' New Orleans has always had a problem with time. Time is not linear here. This is a city where people live in two-hundred-year old houses, have wireless Internet and use 600-year-old recipes while singing 60's songs to their newborns. Time is more of a mental game in New Orleans, you can pick the year you liked the best and stay in that year for the rest of your life here and no one says a thing. You can talk about your great-great-grandparents as if they were still alive and talk about your neighbors as if they were dead, we all understand.

Time marches to its own drunk drummer here. This morning as I walked into the Quarter on Chartres, a woman ran out of a cafe to greet me, "Hey dahlin" she yelled as she hugged me, "Where ya been?" I looked at her and realized it was one of the exotic dancers from the smaller establishments on Chartres. Over the years I'd become friendly with several of the dancers as I would take my morning walk, we'd smile, wave, exchange pleasantries. This morning I realized that even though I had said hello to this woman three times a week for four years, I didn't know her name. I smiled, hugged her back and told her how badly I felt that I never knew her name and she laughed "Dahlin, you know my name, it's Baby!" Time to laugh out loud.

Twenty minutes later as I walked up Royal from Esplanade on my way out of the Quarter, a dark sedan stopped in the street right by the Cathedral and all four doors opened at once. I was twittering with curiosity when the driver hopped out, ran to the other side and escorted a smiling Lindy Boggs out of the car. Before I could stop myself I'd yelled out, "Hey Lindy, good to see ya!" Mrs. Boggs, accustomed to such raffish behavior, smiled and yelled out "Hey yourself" as she waved, laughed and headed to church, surely thinking it's time to pray for better manners for the likes of me.

We're dealing with a lot of time issues these days, time to meet the insurance specialist, time to call FEMA, time to put out the refrigerator, time to get a new refrigerator, time to decide whether to stay in New Orleans or head elsewhere, time to register the kids for school, time to sell the house, time to buy the house, time to find a job, time to leave a job, time to figure out the rest of your life.

Could we maybe, while dealing with all those time issues, take a minute and remember? Remember that there was a time when all of this was different, there was a time when slaves were sold in Napoleon House, a time when Mid City was considered the country, a time when people staged sit ins downtown, a time when there was no McDonalds or Wendy's or even Popeye's, a time when the Quarter burned, a time when people spoke French or Spanish, a time when the Opera House was open, a time when this was all uninhabited, a time when your refrigerator worked, your house was whole, your neighborhood wasn't flooded and your city wasn't defined by a Hurricane.

More than any other city in this country, this is a city defined by the quality of the times people have had here. Maybe it's because it's a port city, maybe it's because of the food, maybe it's because of the heat, but this city remembers everyone who has ever lived, loved and laughed here. People visit us because they can feel the difference as soon as they get here, they can feel how time is honored here, in the time to craft our houses and the time to make a roux. They can feel that the city holds all of our memories, our joys, our sorrows and our triumphs. That any time spent in New Orleans is kept in the breath, air, water and sky of New Orleans. What happens in Vegas may stay in Vegas, but what happens in New Orleans changes the city and its people, minute by minute, day by day, year by year so that we can't help but live in the past, present and future.

Time will tell what we will end up looking like, how strong the levees will be, how many houses will be repaired, but we will tell time how strong the people of New Orleans are, how deep our commitments to each other are and that sometimes the best stories are the ones we write for ourselves.

Once upon a time in a city called New Orleans...

written by Boysie Bollinger

Stories From A Utah Cocktail Waitress

2005-12-01T10:56:00.000-07:00

Yes, it is true, I have a second job as a cocktail waitress, or the more PC term "server". I guess that is probably because the word cocktail will surely send me to hell here in Utah. One must not speak of anything that reminds people that there is in fact something sexual about the word cocktail and especially if you say it slowly in two separate words.

So being the sassy type it is amazing that I am able to make any dollars serving as I think it is a basic requirement to like people. It isn't that I don't like people, it is really that deep down inside I long to be an actress and what better practice than pretending to really enjoy drunk patrons trying to get their groove on? Nothing, I tell ya, no acting school can provide that kind of real life practice.

Case in point, last night the most interesting couple came into the bar, the Sky Bar to be exact. I know, I know, you are screaming in your head, 'don't tell the internet where you work, there are CREEPS out there that might find you'. Trust me on this, after working in a bar in a slinky little number having all sorts of oddities think they are your number one man, the internet creeps do NOT make me nervous, they just better tip well!

Back at the ranch, I was working this hot Wednesday night in the bar and it was disco night - oh yes the crowd cheers. Into the bar walks Mr. Mafia and his lady. This couple would prove to be my entire night's entertainment. I kept wanting to call him "Joey" and he kept calling me "Dollface" which I think will be my new mob name, "Dollface Server Girl", yes people will shake just upon hearing that name. So "Joey" wanted his woman to eat something, but she informed me that "she was on her period and just can't eat". I nodded like this made some sort of perfect sense. Joey however didn't get the memo, and tried ordering anything pricey for her from the menu. After she refused all fifty menu items she settled on some pasta. Yes, perfect sense.

Joey on the other hand just wanted to drink, and Crown was the shot of choice. Yes, he and the DJ needed to drink. Now I am unsure how this came out sounding but I had to keep telling the DJ, "here is another drink for you bought by the gentleman in the ... well ... the one over there". I couldn't tell him, "Mr. Buttafooko wants you to drink this sonny", it just wasn't possible without breaking character.

I also play a therapist as well here at the bar. I had to console this youngin' from Georgia who had been stood up by a girl he had asked out from his work. We talked about how he will pick up and go on, how this girl has missed out, and all sorts of other ego stroking phrases. Yes, he tipped well.

At the nights end I had made my dollars, cleaned up the mess and made it home without being pulled over by one of the five policeman that escorted me home. The streets of Salt Lake City are safe again.

Till next time ...

Time For Being Real

2005-11-29T15:43:00.000-07:00

Isn't there that always inevitable moment in any good relationship when being real takes over the sense of protective thought? That split second thought when you don't care about what the breaking fall is going to feel like in the morning that right at that moment you must take that leap? What I ponder more, is why is this always proceeded by a large consumption of delightful alcoholic beverages?

Archived a conversation between two people who just at that moment where throwing their cards on the table and seeing how the house falls, not able to understand the full complexity of how the cards are stacked. But we typed and hit enter. No holding back, no delete key.

Just hit enter.

Now there are sewn patches, trying to mend and hold together what has become the fabric we are made of. Nothing can be unsaid, and neither person wanting to take it back. It was real, it was a reaction to what was going on inside. The inner part of what makes us really "us".

So I have to evaluate, was it said in momentum of forward movement, or has it done the two step back and one forward dance? What now? What can be made of such an exchange of pain and love? Can time show the answer to what is to come of it all, or has that time past and now we must deal with it?

Just hit enter.

Things I Wonder

2005-11-18T14:06:00.000-07:00

I stare at you and wonder if you get it? Do you understand how beautiful you are, or how your smile can light up a room? Has anyone ever told you that you are the reason for them? Or that you are going to make the world a better place to live? Just once, did you think that you are the creation of perfection, yes, flaws in all? Do you believe in you? Do you love you the way you need to be loved? Do you think about dreams and know that you can accomplish them? Do you know that someone believes in your dreams? Do you know that when poems are writen about someone wonderful, you are the first person that comes to mind?

Do you?

Do you really?

If I Could Have One Wish

2005-11-18T14:00:00.000-07:00

My words create kind words in you
The way you told me you liked my writing
Or that I should maybe publish it
Warms my soul

Kind words can heal old wounds
Start new friendships
Renew lost love
Spark new flames

If just the world would once
Just say something kind
And nothing mean
Our children would truly understand

Love

Things I Need To Say

2005-11-02T10:13:00.000-07:00

I cannot express how much love
I have for that inner circle of
People in my life
For it is them
That make me whole

I love you!

Feeling Sick

2005-11-01T12:35:00.000-07:00

I want it so badly
For all the pieces to fall together
And meld in harmony

But life is not that easy
And nothing comes as a gift
It is a challange

Why must my world be off
Unbalanced at one side
When all I want is zen

Getting to that place
More than anything else
Is what I want

That is my dream.

In The End It's Going To Be OKAY

2005-10-26T16:08:00.000-06:00

My phone rings, it is my child's first grade teacher.

Her: Your daughter had a very bad day
today.
Me: Oh no
Her: I told her, "I am going to call
your Mother and tell her about your poor behavior"
My Daughter: "It's okay, she use to have
a tough time in school too"

Told myself, 'don't bust out laughing until you hang up the phone, her teacher will NOT see the humor in that'.

A Horoscope Worth Repeating

2005-10-21T12:03:00.000-06:00

Sagittarius: Let yourself be swept off your feet by someone who loves you.

A Noon'er

2005-10-19T13:25:00.000-06:00

I love my Quiznos, I just do! I would tell you which one it is but then you would all rush down and ruin my perfect lunch time bubble.

Let me tell you why this is the 'Best Place On Earth' with ears and all. The people. The staff that runs this little shop are funny and witty and probably not legal. They are dressed in the latest grunge style or skater or punk, I am not even sure what style it is although I am sure featured in Rolling Stone ads.

We are worker bees, the drones. In our pods with our identifying corporate badges attached to our body. Yes, scan my forehead there may be some microchip implanted that can tell you my career path till retirement.

In we walk gabbing about the normal boring water cooler chit-chat, and ah-ha the light beams upon us, as the smart-ass ask what will it be today? As if we ever change our order. With a laugh and witty comeback he says, "yea but today it will cost double". So then we change our order.

Foiled again! They have successfully gotten us to try something new and without ever really thinking about it. It is delicious! He laughs and smirks all the way preparing some foreign sounding sandwich and sails it off into the oven.

The cashier, just as refreshing. Telling us we get some sort of beauty discount, which I think actually adds to our bill ?!? Another good laugh is had.

Our table is a bit messy, I grab the wash rag from behind the counter and state, "here I will clean up our table for you, don't want to bother you much". To which I get a unified, "you're hired" in reply.

We leave our Quiznos and return back to the hum-drum but with a smile.

More Step Aerobics for Me

2005-10-19T10:53:00.000-06:00

I walk over to the counter to grab something and my adorable, darling, spirited (are you getting the hint that something bad is about to come?) charming, lovable daughter who is all of six years old shares her wisdom with me. She sweetly says, "Mom I like your butt how it shakes side to side as you walk, like boom boom chica chica." Then she proceeds to demonstrate for me what it looks like, the girl is swinging her little toosh from side to side for all she is worth.

My head titled to the side with that puzzled 'did she just say that' look on my face I say to her, "YEA well my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard" to which we both laugh in a fit of giggles over.

Hey shake it if you got it!

A phrase you can't say without laughing

2005-10-14T15:57:00.000-06:00

"old bitty"

Password Protected

2005-10-14T13:47:00.000-06:00

In my past there is all sorts of tidbits to explain who I am, where I have been and what I have learned. Some lessons where great others hard as nails to get through to me. I have scrapbooked these moments in various forms of emails, notes, and even old sweatshirts. That is who I am.

I have walked forward and made new memories, kept new mementos and treasured new text messages. This is my holding bag, full of memory and feeling. I don't want to let go, and lose something of me.

So I protect it. Put it in the back corner of my closet, file it a non-descript folder, tuck it in between pages of a book. Storage.

In walks love, and all melts into the now of who I am. It is part, yet not forgotten, rather enjoyed for the lessons and growth of my past. I am walking forward with all that I am.

Little bits forward, sharing stories, open to being vulnerable. I am loving it, soaking it up. Even handing over the "key", and not worrying what happens when the door gets unlocked.

Then logic kicks in, and perhaps you shouldn't be so open. There is things that you might not share because of how they are read. Maybe a slight gate is okay and needed for general protection of one's sense of self.

To know me, is to know all parts. This is who I am. The person I am is not afraid of my closet, although I know it holds all sorts, and it isn't all what it is upon first look.

So my password remains, the one that is known. I am not changing now who I am - it is me. One who is just about being real, handing over the key without any reservations.

From A Six Year Old

2005-10-12T10:17:00.000-06:00

"These tights fit like a dream"

My Thoughts to Me

2005-10-11T11:12:00.000-06:00

Easy does it
You don't have to try so hard
Sometimes just breathing is all you need
And the world around you moves continually forward

Enjoy it all
You don't have to miss a thing
It is all there right before you as an offering
Joy is a reward for just being you and being who you are

Expect more
You can take it all and ask for more
There is no limit to the great things you can do
Because when you reach further than you can, you accomplish things

Envision dreams
You can make your dreams reality
No need to filter or ask if it is possible
It is all possible, and you know it, to the core of who you are

Lyric of the Week

2005-10-10T17:58:00.000-06:00

I never liked the rain until I walked through it with you
Every thunder cloud that came was one more I might not get through
On the darkest day there's always light and now I see it too
But I never liked the rain until I walked through it with you

[Chorus:]
I hear it falling in the night and filling up my mind
All the heaven's rivers come to light I see it all unwind
I hear it talking through the trees and on the window pane
When I hear it I just can't believe I never liked the rain

Like the rain I have fallen for you and I know just why you
Liked the rain always calling for you I'm falling for you now
Just like the rain

When the cloud is rolling over thunder striking me
It's as bright as lightning and I wonder why I couldn't see
That it's always good and when the flood is gone we still remain
Guess I've known all along I just belong here with you falling

[Chorus]

And when the night falls on our better days
And we're looking to the sky
For the winds to take us high above the plains
I know that we'll find better ways to look into the eye of the storms that will be calling
Forever we'll be falling

[Chorus]

-Clint Black

New Orleans Layoffs

2005-10-05T12:57:00.000-06:00

That is today's headline news, the city cannot pay it's staff, so in effort to save itself they will layoff 3,000 non-essential employees.

How do we sit here as a nation with our checkbooks in a plus, and allow a city to just crumble at our feet? Do we do nothing? Do we even take notice?

How can we label 3,000 people as "non-essential", is not every job and every person's means to feed and take care of their family "essential"? So they are not in the front lines of police and firefighters personnel, but who is going to support that front line, who is going to be there when the paperwork needs to be handled, or calls to families need to be made?

I am disgusted that the Bush administration can find 5 billion dollars every month to support a war on Iraq, but yet we cannot help our very own? We cannot save our people? How is THAT possible?

Questions, all I have is questions
No answers no way of knowing
No solutions no leadership
Questions

On The Lighter Side

2005-10-04T09:43:00.000-06:00

It is picture day today, and my little 1st grader looks fabulous. We spent all morning curling hair and picking out just the perfect outfit. We even practiced her cutest smile in the mirror, just to be sure.

As we drove off to school, with my little sister in the vehicle as well as my daughter I told them, "okay for pictures act like sweet adorable little girls" (pause) "even if you have to fake it".

My daughter erupted in a fit of giggles followed by the standard, "ahhh mom, you're silly", my little sister who is all of 12 just looked at me and gave the pre-teen eye roll, served with a side of 'you are so lame'.

I leaned into my daughter and whispered, "some people just don't get my jokes", she winked at me and said, "I do Mom, and I think you're funny".

Hey I got my kid's seal of approval, that is all I need.

I Should Have

2005-10-04T09:35:00.000-06:00

When he told me that, sitting there that evening,
When I said all the wrong things and none of what I meant
I should have just said, "I am sorry she hurt you like that"
And just held him in my arms

Instead I wanted to say the things I had been holding in
For someone that would never listen to me
Someone long ago of my past
I took the time to say what I hadn't said in years

To many words, to much said, not listening
I really should listen more
And talk less
Really take in what is said

But deep down, you know the area where you keep secrets
It was hearing how much she hurt him
That gave me the opportunity to know him
And the chance to once again love in my life

I can't say that I am sorry she said that
Or that there is no repair to something like that
When you can't take back those words
Because they have cut so deep

I am however ....
Sorry for your hurt and your pain
Because you are wonderful
And no one should be cut like that
Especially someone so loving as you

Signed sincerely,
Me

New Orleans Update

2005-09-28T09:55:00.000-06:00

Ah the spirit of New Orleans lives on .... (taken from an email forward to me by a friend down in New Orleans)
________________________________________

BOURBON BUZZ

Candy may be dandy, and liquor may be quicker, but on Monday, when the juice again began flowing in the French Quarter, it was the power that re-energized happy hour

Curfew? What curfew?

For the first time since Katrina, the streets of the French Quarter didn't go dark Monday as night fell.

Streetlamps and neon signs glowed, loud bars stayed open past midnight, and carousing patrons cheered the LSU Tigers on television. Local eccentrics were back in their element. And there were tourists, even if most of them were relief workers or law enforcement personnel.

What was strangest about the scene was that it was so strangely normal. But in the wake of two hurricanes, restoration of electricity in the city's oldest and most cherished neighborhood was like finding a pulse on a patient who was thought to have flat-lined.

"When the power came on, I said, 'Yea!'" said Bonnibel Byars, a part-time Ursulines Street resident who had just returned from her other home in Minnesota. She was impressed by the activity in the Quarter, the lodestone of New Orleans' tourism industry.

"I was skeptical," she said, having expected things to be "kind of desolate."

Byars was enjoying a cold beer with a friend at Stella, a Decatur Street establishment that was serving up smoked sausage sandwiches, cheeseburgers, salads - and blessed air conditioning.

On the upriver end of Bourbon Street, music, strobes and barkers lured passersby into several fleshpots and honkytonks that were back in business.

Rock reverberated from the Famous Door, where Deborah Richard, Heineken in hand, was one of a handful of patrons. "I'm surprised. I didn't think anything was open," said Richard, an off-duty corporal with the Department of Homeland Security. She had just arrived in the city from Philadelphia and had yet to learn her assignment.

Richard said she got the mistaken impression from TV media that New Orleans was flooded throughout. "The way the news explained it, I thought it was all under sea level," she said.

Famous Door manager Art Irons said the bar opened a week ago, only to be quickly shuttered by city officials and Hurricane Rita. "We had people. We had cold beers. We decided to see if we couldn't get back to normal," he said.

Irons said he wanted to give people something to do "besides looking at damage."

A block away, at Bourbon Street Blues Company, a female bartender climbed on top of the bar and gyrated to music before an enthusiastic crowd of about 18.

Another bartender, Bridgett Derdin, sang the praises of local residents. "During the summer, the local people pay our bills," she said. "We're trying to get Bourbon Street going again. New Orleans takes care of New Orleans."

Customer Wayne Williamson was happy to lend himself to the cause. "It wasn't a whole lot of fun until power today," said Williamson, a credit union manager who returned late last week to his French Quarter apartment. "The place has been dead," he said. "We can start the comeback now."

Along the Quarter's largely car-free streets, many storefronts and homes remained darkened, but streetlamps gleamed throughout the district.

Sidewalk trash bins had been emptied, but the stink of piled garbage was still inescapable. Closed pubs and boarded-up shops far outnumbered bustling businesses, but some, such as The Original Dungeon at 738 Toulouse St., posted signs promising a Tuesday reopening.

A small crowd gathered around the Royal Street Grocery, apparently the only store in the area selling staples such as cigarettes, aspirin, batteries and insect repellent.

Owner Robert Buras, wearing a Saints cap and a T-shirt with an alligator on it over the words "Cajun yard dog," said he left only briefly about four days after Katrina hit, when looting and lawlessness were at their peak.

"We had separation anxiety," Buras said.

After numerous trips in and out of the city to restock his wares, Buras was back in business within a week of Katrina, serving crawfish etouffee as well as red beans and rice.

On Monday, his wife, Fahreena, worked the kitchen and the counter, and their 3-year-old daughter, Ava, dashed around customers' legs and played drums on a plastic can.

One of his most loyal customers, James Stephan, 58, pronounced the chicken "delicious," then washed it down with a Coke.

The shop's inventory offered long-deprived locals such surprises as Starbucks coffee, lemons and peaches, postcards, and pints of Wild Turkey.

"I'm going to be resettled in the first place that's a community again," Buras said of the French Quarter, crossing himself as an expression of gratitude that the electricity was back on.

On Decatur Street near the Quarter's downriver boundary, laughter and conversation spilled from Molly's at the Market, a watering hole that, like Buras' grocery, had been operating even without electricity.

Before the power came on, Molly's honored the official curfew and closed at 6 p.m. On Monday, the bar stayed open until a more civilized 2 a.m.

"It's a regular Monday night crowd," said Uptown resident Greg Ensslen, who rode his bicycle to the bar with two friends and dined on donated burgers.

Ensslen said the bleak state of the city had been depressing. "It felt like when you break up with a girlfriend because you've done something wrong."

Shortly after 9 p.m., two New Orleans police officers pulled up to Molly's in a motorized cart. The crowd of about 18 grew hushed, and the jukebox stopped playing a Van Morrison song. Whether the bar was being shut down seemed an open question.

A moment later, the jukebox cranked up again and the officers were mingling in the crowd. Asked what time the curfew kicked in, officer S.M. Smith exhaled a cloud of cigarette smoke, shrugged and said, "Whatever."

I Couldn't Have Said it Better Myself ...

2005-09-27T12:24:00.000-06:00

Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot. Who calls you back when you hang up on him. Who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.

Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead. Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats. Who holds your hand in front of his friends.

Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you.

Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, "...that's her."

-Taken from an email sent to me by a good friend

To My Little Wonder,

2005-09-26T10:43:00.000-06:00

This morning you were snuggled up beside me in my bed all cozy, and you did your cute little morning stretch which involves firmly planting that boney little elbow of yours into my right rib. Darling it was, no really it was. Quite possible that they (whoever "they" may be) are right, and now that you are almost 7 that it is time that you found your way to your own bed instead of begging me endlessly to sleep "one more time" with me in my bed. My argument has always been that all to quickly you will decide that me as your Mother is incapable of being anything closely related to 'cool' and you will want to only bond with your friends and return to me for basic living needs such as food, shelter, and of course $20 to go to the movies. At that time I will give up the idea that you will be content with a goodnight back tickle and a morning smile, your needs will include grander things in life such as that cute little sports car you NEED to have. You will no longer enjoy our "together" moments and you will be on the phone endlessly planning your all important life. I understand.

Until then, can I just have those few moments? Those ones that make all the hours of screaming over which style to mold your tangled hair into, or the hours of begging for whatever commercial item you now think it a vital need for your mountainous toy collection, or the one where you just give me the crunchy eyes and try to disintegrate me into thin air. Just give me the snuggles and cute morning smile.

Love always and forever, infinity and beyond,
Mom

Sigh

2005-09-12T10:32:00.000-06:00

Please don't hate me
Sometimes I fall
And look up from the ground
At the mistakes I have made

I am sorry

I know I can do better
And will try again tomorrow
A new day
A new start

I promise I am not bad

Just misunderstood sometimes
And confused by the surroundings
While trying to make sense
Keeping my head above water

I still love you

Bush Administration - Hurricane Devastation

2005-09-07T13:32:00.000-06:00

Mandatory evacuation, poverty and desolation, city mobilization,
Media dramatization, old timer ignored the recommendation,
Weak levee construction, oil refinery industrialization,
New Orleans vibration, and ocean storm vocalization

Flooding beyond imagination, housing and life demolition,
Roof tops and attic protection, survivors their own population,
Rescue workers past exhaustion, keep searching death laden saturation
Government officials leaving no notification, FEMA disaster abbreviation

Coliseum refuge collection, no water no food no rationalization,
Misunderstood no communication, tensions rise and aggravations,
Local government organizations, shoe string operations,
Bush gives an Air Force One ascertain, in political speak tradition

CNN coverage continuation, every story covers the desolation,
Mr. Brown of FEMA no redemption, lives lost due to lack of education,
His job to coordinate emergency motion, his efforts a destruction,
He knows nothing about hospitalizations, or conditions of deprivations

Shocked emotion, city submersion, family disconnection
Starving, stranded, fighting back in retaliation
Gov't types in their suits of admiration, a speech and story of justification
I can not sit in silence giving congratulations, speak up and demand eradication

Answer to your people of accusations, answer to your promise of function,
Turn on CNN to see malnutrition, read the paper to hear cries of frustration,
These are our people, our nation, we won't let loss our connection,
Be the leader you promised during election, save these people, survival is an action

Remembering New Orleans ...

2005-09-06T12:02:00.000-06:00

(If the image doesn't load, click it to start the slide show)

These photos were taken during our trip to New Orleans earlier this summer. Remembering the city for what it was at its core. The life, the people, the heartbeat of the crescent city. Any donation made to the site will be forwarded to the people who need it most, the people of New Orleans. Please do not copy or redistribute these photos. If you are interested in a print, send an email to jokerwild21@hotmail.com.

Tori said it best ...

2005-08-31T22:26:00.000-06:00

but what if i'm a mermaid
in these jeans of his
with her name still on it
hey but i don't care
cause sometimes i said
sometimes i hear my voice
and it's been
here silent all these years

Silent All These Years by Tori Amos

To My Little Wonder,

2005-08-29T11:31:00.000-06:00

Hey look at this, it hasn't even been a whole year, yet I am writing you again. See that kid? That is why people say miracles still happen. Enjoy it.

I took you to school today for your very first day of first grade. You would be so proud of me; I only barely let a few tears fall this year as I walked away from your class instead of the streaming falls of Niagara of last year.

There we sat outside the school waiting for the morning bell to ring, and you put your little arms around mine and looked up at me with those big beautiful brown eyes and said, "Mom, I am just a little bit nervous". I understand that, and you are right to be. It is a big change moving from care free summers of endless playing and laughter to a world of responsibility and task ahead. That transition is hard for even some adults to handle and they don't have the guts to say it makes them nervous, but you did. I am proud of you, for knowing that you are growing and moving forward.

As you entered your classroom you let go of my hand and waltzed over to the table to find your name with your pencil and crayons. You walked so tall and so certain of what it is you are doing. Oh child, remember to always hold your head high as you did this morning because someday people will be looking to you for leadership. I know it.

I sit at work and wonder how you are doing, if everything went okay at recess, did you make a friend? But I am being a silly Mom. I know you did just fine.

You always do.

Love always and forever, infinity and beyond,Mom

To My Little Wonder,

2005-08-26T16:50:00.000-06:00

I often times think I should write you more. More than once a year when I actually sit down to do it. I promise I will think about writing you lots more in the future. For now, I am just your Mom, a mom that makes stuff up as she goes, such as thinking I will write you more.

You have been a life saver to me, even though you don't know it, and never will really grasp the meaning of what I just said to you. But don't take that as pressure to be anything other than your wonderful, full of life, self. For that is exactly what saves me in this life.

Ever looked at swiss cheese? Yea, you know I would say something funny like that, and scrunch your cute little nose at me with wrinkled eyes and say, "Mommmmm you are being silly". See that moment when you do that, it makes me forget that just this morning you told me that I do your hair to make you look like a dork. Remember dear child, that a "dork" is a whale penis, and my last thought in my head is not to make you look like an enamorous penis - trust me on that one.

You are going to be in first grade this year, the time has moved so fast. You will be there in your desk with your friends learning about why there is three different ways to spell two, too and to. I know this all seems like a lot to take on, as you told me how nervous you are about school. But you have the wonderful ability to take this world by the coat tails and give it a spin. Learn all you kind right now, because later it may get you out of a speeding ticket. Better yet, school is the one place where people actually expect you to be a kid - enjoy that.

I am about to leave work to come pick you up. I will ask about how swim day was, and what your thoughts on life will be. You will ramble on and on and on because you really like to hear yourself talk, and I will sit in my driver seat and smile. Smile at all the wonderful things you are.

Love always and forever, infinity and beyond,
Mom

:)

2005-08-26T16:33:00.000-06:00

If you ever wonder if I think about you

- I do

Time

2005-08-26T11:47:00.000-06:00

Why is it when you need it most, it is slipping through your fingers. When you want it to pass, it is available in truck loads. Time.

Waiting, rushing in anticipation
Slowing to nothing
Speeding past with nothing left
Do you have the time

There it is letting the moment live. Enjoying just that second when everything was right in the world, when nothing else mattered. Just that second.

Laughing spinning
Letting go of worry
Enjoying the smell the sound the sight
Living in that moment

Only so many hours in the day, minutes in the hour, seconds in the minute. Only so many. Every move forward is one minute less, one hour less, one day less. Less, that is what you have, less of what you did have.

Palm piliots
Day planners
Outlook calenders
There to help capture every available time slot, keeping time from passing you by

When I am lying on my death bed and looking back at my life, I will ask for "more". More time to laugh, more time for memories, more endless summer nights to hear her stories about being a princess living in a castle, more days to love, more hours to be loved, more.

Making memories
Laughing more
Loving today
Living in the moment

Swim in it, soak it into your every part of your being. No more going to bed wishing for just another hour to get things done. There are not enough hours, and never will be. No wasting what precious minutes we have yerning for more time. The clock is already moving forward while you are looking back.

Time

I Proclaim

2005-07-20T14:34:00.000-06:00

No longer a swear word: hell
Say it with me: hell
Slowly now: hell
And quickly: hell
Breathy phone sex like: hell
Pointless mind dribble: hell
Affectionate: hell
Just because: hell

By itself it is powerless and non-aggressive
Do not give it power by making it a verbal flick of pain
Making it dramatic and poignant
Only aids to the absurdity of forbearance

It is not even a concept by some religions
And a place by others
Like Idaho
Or Pensacola

It is a descriptive word
Or an adjective
A noun for sure
Not an accusation

Stop taking it personal
It isn't
It is you that is offended
By your limited scope

I myself like the way it sounds
And use it quite frequently
I am not offended
It is a place, a thing, a phrase

You give it power by your offense
Which offends me
Yes you
Offend me

There I said it

An Urban Farmer

2005-07-18T14:08:00.000-06:00

Driving up in his SUV
Through oakley shades, looking at me
A push of a button slides open the garage
His castle to him, more than a mirage

To his field he must attend
Computer parts and programs begin
Upgrading and reformatting drives
With sparkle and excitement in his eyes

Sipping a latte he completes his day
Trimming herbs out of the garden in the window bay
A dash of oregano and a pinch of basil
A pizza with sun dried tomatoes in the oven sizzles

Tucking into the night in 400 count sheets
Another day he completes
Tomorrow forging on with new task
Solving challenges under his corporate mask

In the front doorway I stand
With my chai tea still warm in my hand
Watching my urban farmer drive away
Off to go slay the dragons on a Monday

Acoustic Love

2005-07-13T11:59:00.000-06:00

Remember that time, that one we laughed at till our sides ached
How you were just then with me in the middle of that moment
You never let go of really enjoying the second when I am me
And at times when I am too much you just smile at my ways

How do you keep finding patience for my endless crazy ideas
And the moods where you created "being a grill" to say it is alright
When the silent pauses are okay to allow me to collect my thoughts
A smile the next morning and suddenly everything is okay again

Letting me be the first, since her, when your heart was broke
Trying again without walls to which I couldn't cross
Open and unassuming you reached out your hand for mine
So we could dance the night away in each others arms

Trusting your everything to my care as we embark on McDs play land
Letting them grow and learn to be loving and caring like you
Not afraid to snuggle up in the middle of the park and whisper you love them
Providing my daughter with an image of a happy relationship for Mommy

There you are in a dimly lit room
With your heart in your hand
Strumming a melody of trust
Acoustic Love

Hope You Are Reading

2005-07-07T16:55:00.000-06:00

Better today
Better than yesterday
Better for the experience

This is what makes us who we are, the things we go through, the times when we really lean on those who love us. They may not know that what they do, or how they helped, and sometimes just knowing they are there is all we need. Never afraid to really show emotion or be real with that person, that is what a best friend is. I cannot express enough gratitude just for being you.

Thank you

Her Advice

2005-07-06T11:29:00.000-06:00

Easy smooth sailing into tomorrow
There you are when it starts to crumble
How everything changes overnight
Now nothing is the same as it was

Can't look forward, can't contemplate what if
Too much to think about today
Instead I let the world pick apart my day
And the pieces that fall I cry

I cry for all the wrong reasons
But it feels just and eases the worry
Could be all over nothing
But I won't find out

Don't ask questions that you don't want answered
That is what my Mother always says
She knows best
I don't ask

Maybe next month I won't have to wonder
And I will look back and laugh
At how silly I had become
How funny it all was

I don't ask
I won't ask

Late Night Ramblings

2005-07-06T11:11:00.000-06:00

Deep
Dark

Painfull tears
Painfull years

Lost innocence
Lost virginity
Lost vulnerability

Never look back
Never return to what was
Never begin new

They say first love cuts the deepest
They say time will heal your pain
They say third time is the charm

Who are "they" anyway?

Breaking the barrier

2005-07-05T22:18:00.000-06:00

Electro-chemical responses conjuring a vivid stage of content.
The spectrum of deep conscious effort swirling within, eager to escape.
Swarms of raw impulses rush toward the wall.
Tempered by experience and fear the barrier keeps you safe and holds strong.

What was once a torrent of all the answers becomes a filtered pastel. pale. faded.

Fear.
The filter.
The barrier.
The one thing that prevents you from being real.

Sum of the Parts Equal the Whole

2005-06-30T14:57:00.000-06:00

Under the sun of a New Orleans heat
Waiting, watching, anticipating
Excitement moves into motion
Music they speak

They gather their instruments ready to play
She stands in the middle of the street
Moving with the pulse of time
Music they speak

Paused on our travel down the road
The music has pulled us in
She begins to dance
Music they speak

Wine and comfort food for our ears
Getting lost in a world of motion
Becoming part of something
Music they speak

Unborn baby she carries to the sound
Moving to the rhythm with ease
Not Mozart but a New Orleans beat
Music they speak

Taught the soul of the street
The beginning of time to the end
Mother infusing music to a child
Music they speak

She dances and we see the music
She dances embracing her baby
She dances while rubbing her tummy

Music they speak
Music they speak

Smiles pass through the crowd
A beat causes some to bob
Few push their way through lost
Music they speak

Sound enriched by street acoustics
Talent given by grace
Performance for the people by the people
Music they speak

Uninterrupted by passing cars
Music carried forward by passion
Heat passing by the coolness of the evening
Music they speak

Working performers, a box moves to the crowd
"Put it in the box" she says
"They ain't tap dancers" she completes
Music they speak

Dollars fill the box
They play on
Music fills the street
Music they speak

She dances and we see the music
She dances embracing her baby
She dances while rubbing her tummy

Music they speak
Music they speak

Propaganda

2005-06-27T16:22:00.000-06:00

"Very Chilling Details" opening passage to the hand-off
Dramatic in tone, poised for the best angle
Reels of tape coverage mark our history
Actors, choreographers, money makers, yes very chilling indeed

Death and disaster ripping out our hearts
Scenes of pain splattered across the screen
Hopelessness and tainted lines never crossed
But sunny in Florida, how is that weather for you

Tele-prompted lines fed by political-prompted stories
One hand of the beast serving the other
Both convincing the head that it is just in action
No check point, no return, just a following of the masses

Channel two channel thirteen and all in between
With the sound on or off the words meaningless
Real stories are not told on the five or the ten
But in documentaries shown for the few and unrecognized

Over emphasized and quietly snuck in between
Spin a story get us ready for the next thing
Bigger the wheels turn fed by greed
Media, the media, yes very chilling indeed

Questions

2005-06-23T12:57:00.000-06:00

Six years old not understanding social implications of asking the truth, turns to me with what is on her mind. "Do you have sex?" she ask, as she would ask what the weather is expected to be for the day. Me, just going along for the ride in her world, driving her to the next destination where she takes on her day to day task of exploration. Me, the one who believes the body is a beautiful thing and sharing that beauty is a human treat. I am not ashamed of my choices, I celebrate them. I do not hide under the don't ask don't tell policy of our grandparents. It is a wonderful thing to be able to enjoy and express to someone you care about.

But there her big brown eyes were looking to me for all these answers, and I say to her "yes". That is what I said, nothing more. She pauses and takes it in as if that was the first lick of an ice-cream cone on a hot summer day. Without missing a step in time, she ask, "With who?". My drive became a destination of completion, could I finish and drop her off before I had to finish answering this new line of inquisitions? The road was long, and I had just began the journey. I had to figure out a way to navigate through the years of questions that follow this one.

The belief system I want to pass to her is to always at the core of your being know that you have the truth. It is the basis for being real. It is all I can give her in this world. But here I was at the cross-roads of truth. I won't give her anything less then the truth, but I cannot give the full detailed answer to this question because it would effect more then just her and I, there was others to consider. I have to teach her to understand that the answer to that question may compromise someone else's ability to chose their own path and journey. I was facing the core element of truth, when is it too much?

Almost reaching the end point it was time to stand for what I thought was best. I turned to her and said, "That answer is my business, but I will tell you that your Daddy and I did have sex a long while ago and that is how we create our beautiful little girl, you".

Time will tell if I chose right.

Uncovered

2005-06-22T11:35:00.000-06:00

Maybe they didn't connect on a deep level, or share the same sense of humor but they had something ... they had loyalty. They were there for each other when times were tough, or just when someone needed a shoulder to cry on, they had loyalty.

How do you survive when the one thing you thought you had slips through your fingertips as easily as sand? How do you maintain a sense of self, when your judgment is shattered? How do you start again without carrying bitter baggage?

This is the unconscious pattern I have grown up with, that behind the curtain is a wizard in which you cannot trust. He says things of beautiful magic and controls the whole show, but that is the performance that he himself most believes. The rest of us now sit and watch the show, but know deep down that it all ends when the curtain falls.

I don't want to believe what I have been shown all my life, I want to lose myself in a river of just being "real". The good, bad and ugly of being truthful to not only one's self, but those you care and love for. I want to believe in the possibility of building a relationship based on truth.

Fighting for just "being real".

Track 8

2005-06-21T08:49:00.000-06:00

Driving. Listening to a song that I had heard a hundred times before, but it hit me. This is it, the lyrics, the meaning -- it is exactly how I feel. Put into words what is running through me.

I don't want to look around
And be turned to stone
All my darkest days awoken
I'm looking for a new way
Can't make it on my own
Lead me to a place wide open

I need a love that takes me higher
So high I'm never coming down

I don't want to know emptiness
Take me down to the water
Wanna be baptized in your love

Far away from the loneliness
Take my heart and wash away the fear
Let me be baptized in your love

Everybody's going down
They end up all alone
Far too many words unspoken
I know I gotta be there
I'm ready to be shown
The path of righteousness unbroken

I need a love that takes me higher
So high I'm never coming down

I don't want to know emptiness
Take me down to the water
Wanna be baptized in your love

Far away from the loneliness
Take my heart and wash away the fear
Let me be baptized in your love

I would be a fool to let you go
With you I'm reborn
I'm no longer torn
Yeah
I refuse to lose my heart and soul
I have to be strong

I don't want to know emptiness
Take me down to the water
Wanna be baptized in your love

Far away from the loneliness
Take my heart and wash away the fear
Let me be baptized in your love

Baptized, baptized
Wanna be baptized in your love

I don't want to know emptiness
Take me down to the water
Wanna be baptized in your love (wanna be...)

Far away from the loneliness
Take my heart and wash away the fear
Wanna be baptized in your love

I don't want to know emptiness
Take me down to the water
Wanna be baptized in your love

Far away from the loneliness
Take my heart and wash away the fear
Wanna be baptized in your love

Baptized by Lenny Kravitz

It Felt Wrong

2005-06-14T11:14:00.000-06:00

Wrong, to be all alone without his arms around me
Left to meander through the day lost in restless thought
Contemplating meaning of words said and unsaid
Reaching for an answer or just the way to get by

Wrong, to not be able to wake up next to him with a simple “good morning”
Unable to sip morning coffee across from each other under the sun
Without his hand holding mine as we strolled down the street
Yearning to see his smile just because it made him happy

Wrong, to not get silly drunk together and giggle through the night
Not to watch the people amuse us as they perform for the world
Thinking of all the memories we are creating right at that moment
Dancing in a crowded bar but only being with just each other

Wrong
wrong
wrong.
Wrong to be without
Wrong to have to wait
Wrong
wrong
wrong.

Doors

2005-06-13T15:46:00.000-06:00

I look and I see doors. Some are old and tired having seen lots of life pass them by. Freshly painted doors to cover old injuries. Replaced doors, and newly built doors. Iron doors that allow a vision through yet not passage. Glass doors that crystallize the scene from beyond. Heavy doors that are beyond strength to move. Doors that have been left partially open inviting in. Tall luminous doors taking a bigger then life presence. Doors that are just existing. Fancy doors well taken care of glittering in the sun.

Doors.

Closing doors in life to end a story. Sometimes locking it just to make sure that it is never visited again. Opening new doors, not knowing what is on the other side. Running past other doors, and sometimes just standing for days staring at a door. Grasping the door knob and slowly turning, or too scared to turn it at all. Flinging open doors and rushing in not caring or worrying why. Holding someone's hand as they open or close their door. Looking back at a door and really walking away. Sitting on the door step unable to leave. Immovable doors that you crash into in a last attempt. Doors that never close no matter how hard you pull.

My door.

It Doesn't Hurt

2005-06-07T13:07:00.000-06:00

Pain Is Love
Writhing in pain of a fresh wound to see the red color bleed down the smooth tones of the flesh, the tears that flow down and the sounds of pain echoing in the emptiness of time. Vivid, real.

Yet I look at my body and there is no wound to see, nothing hurts and there is no band-aids healing old pain. I am full and well and able to move freely. My arms are able to reach and my hands to grasp life. My legs move me forward and my feet keep me stable so I don't fall. I am well.

I wonder if there is not pain, is it not real? Can love be complete and whole without working through pain and healing? Can it just be pure and good? Can we rethink our learned patterns and create harmony on the first attempt?

Standing on a plane of perfect equilibrium, enjoying the space I am occupying.

Come With Me

2005-06-02T14:43:00.000-06:00

I'll giggle in the background while you call into work with your made up illness all the time smiling through the attempt at convincing them you are out for the day. I will grab a bag and fill it with our favorite CDs and mango fruit.

As we playfully kiss one another as we fill up the tank with gas, our minds will race to an escape from the humdrum of our ordinary lives. I will buy ice cold tea and a pack of tic-tacs just so that I can share with you this time. Leaving town and turning off the cell phones will be our final to-do item.

Onward towards small towns filled with old timers and their life stories. We will stop at all the tourist traps and take silly pictures of us. I will take a pen and note "I love you" on your hand. We will ask perfect strangers to capture a once in a lifetime moment on film. We will laugh when we say we are from Rhode Island instead of home.

The day will end and we will return to normalcy. We will return to our obligations and our many task-list. We will pay the bills and feed the children and getting ready for another day of work. Each one walking their path in life.

But for a moment, even just one moment, we were in the moment.

Dirt

2005-06-01T15:19:00.000-06:00

Have you ever stopped to think that if you had not walked the road you had that you could not step forward on the path you are on?

Recently I have experienced a deep amount of pain at the loss of those I had spent my whole life trying to get close to. They were taken from life without consideration for those left to try and comprehend the greater meaning of it.

Pain in the rawest form, left with no explanation of why. No amount of rehearsed speeches or comforting embraces can lessen the pain that lingers. There is no greater distaste for knowledge then that forced upon you during life's weakness.

I have sat inside a church during the impressionist years of my adolescence to hear that there is greater purpose, and the twice told sermon of salvation and it's answer to all of life's unanswered questions of "why". It was pacifying when life was easy and required little information for happiness. Looking back, I can see how it laid the path for my quest of spirituality now.

Now I desire to unearth what moves human emotion. I want to grasp it at the root to touch and feel the grittiness of truth.

This is my quest.

Underneath

I Bliss Like This

2005-05-27T17:04:00.000-06:00

He sent me the lyrics to a song, with the one statement that has stuck. "I bliss like this". So simple, yet exactly how it is. How did I get here? What did I do? Which step changed everything?

Sometimes I think of all the missed opportunities, all the times that maybe I could have, but didn't. Where was I that it was so out of reach? Why did I not get the needed pieces. Who can save me, do I need saving? There I was, just then, and here I bliss, yes I bliss like this.

Can't touch it, yet it is there. There is no way to recreate or design a plan in order to achieve. I don't grasp the workings of the machine, or the knowledge of how to fix it if it were to break down. I bliss like this.

Wonder how long it will last? Where does it dissolve into a dismal life of just living day to day, when the sky bleeds into the horizon? How do I sustain and yet not compromise it's unexpected quality? Often to only be left wondering how to get back to bliss.

Not worrying about tomorrow, or looking back to yesterday, but diving head first into the deep end of the cool water, feeling it rush over your body and shock you into total bliss.

I bliss like this.

A post about love ...

2005-05-17T08:57:00.000-06:00

Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
Your best friend always sticking up for you even when I know you're wrong
Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance five-hour phone conversation
The best soy latte that you ever had . . . and me

It is a beautiful sunny day, you have nothing to do. You are 8, and life is simple. A trip to the playground at the park, where you join the world as you know it. You don't care that your jeans aren't designer, or that you have a full schedule over the next week. You are lucky if you remembered to put socks on before your shoes. Your friends are made up of someone who was willing to give you the other half of their popsicle. Your car is your beat up bike with miles of memories on the tires. Your parents are your only boss, and they really are all knowing to you. You are 8, and life is simple.

Rushing down to the park, you see it. Oddly strange but yet totally fascinating. It is filled with other children, some laughing hysterically, and even a few crying. There are children waiting to get on the ride and some desperately trying to get off.

The merry-go-round.

Now, to my soy latte.

About relationships ....

2005-04-26T17:21:00.000-06:00

I got this in an email forward, and since I am running short on time, I think it is a good quick post. Guess food for thought, maybe you agree and maybe you don't, but it gets you thinking.

I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.
No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.
The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.
Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.
To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.
Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.
Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.
There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.
Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.
Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.

I poisoned my family!

2005-04-20T09:10:00.000-06:00

I cooked a lovely meal last night of steak and french fries, ah yes you can already see where this is going. Getting ready this morning we all took turns emptying our stomachs as the waves of pain overtook us. I have a six year old and my thirteen year old cousin who is living with me, each asking me "why?".

My cousin came to live with me about two months ago, and I have attempted four meals since her arrival. One resulted in raw hamburger on the inside and crispy crunch on the outside, she made one attempt at eating that and then listened to rational thought and threw it out. My second attempt was at these fishstick type dinner, which ended up being charcoal briquettes, and not fit even for the garbage. One medicore dinner and then last night it turned out well, but this morning we are all wishing I would STOP cooking.

I can't cook for the kids then how do I even attempt to cook for a man. How will I win his heart, if I can't get to him through his stomach? No, I haven't attempted any sort of culinary skills on him yet, a blessing in disguise I think.

I better be good in bed.

I am scared

2005-04-18T15:59:00.000-06:00

Here I sit watching the clock. I have fifteen minutes left.

Fifteen minutes till I must go change out of my Mr. Rogers work attire into the all important aerobic and get in shape look. Yes at this point it is a "look" and really nothing more, as I have been avoiding the gym for the last two months.

It didn't start this way, because there was this time I enjoyed working out, even to the point that I missed it terribly if by some slim chance I couldn't make the class. But then I fell ill, and one week bled into two weeks, and other excuses quickly followed.

Now I sit here in my little pod staring at the clock, and as the endless excuses run through my head, there is nothing worthy of me not attending. Just fear.

I am worried that I won't be in the shape I was before, and somehow the extra pounds I am carrying won't remind of such an important fact. There I will be trying to work out at the 'target' rate, and I will go to do a turn-around on the step and just fall over dead. I will be two breathes from dead, just enough time for our Human Resources Non Person to call the paramedic. They will rush in with their stretcher starting the pod farm gossip about who it is and why they deserve it, then onto the stretcher you go, out to the front of the building. The poor paramedic will have to carry my non-aerobic body on the stretcher down the front stairs because our elevator can't accommodate. People will have that pitty look of 'so sorry you are being embarrassed infront of everyone and glad it isn't me' as I am shoved out the front door.

Yes, this is the lengths I have gone to in my mind trying to create an excuse not to go.

I have to go change now ...

The Mouse Must Go

2005-04-11T15:23:00.000-06:00

I admit - I have mouse envy! Is that even possible? In today's cyber world of gadgets that make you breathe heavy and bring pure web surfing ecstasy, how can a girl of ordinary nature compete?

I saw the gleam in his eye as he talked of the ability to click and scroll with the smoothness of the track ball, the way he got that far off stare reminiscing of days in the past that they shared together, or the memories they made.

Am I secure enough? Do I feel okay that I may not have the accessories that mouse does, but I do have charm and charisma, right? I mean try putting a slinky number on the wireless toy, will it look the same? Yea sure, it can take you to the world wide web, but can it hold you at night?

Soon, it will be outdated, and other gadgets will be trying to get your devotion, you will have to make that all important decision, to upgrade or not?

Yes, the mouse must go.

Yodel This!

2005-04-08T15:01:00.000-06:00

Reading today's article where Elton John says "that Eminem is on par with Jimi Hendrix and Mick Jagger", it brought up a discussion among my esteemed colleagues about the merits of Eminem. To which I credited Eminem for being able to pull in audiences from all genres and get them to at least try rap, that is pretty monumental for an artist. To which it was said, "yea but he does white rap, that the white community likes". I said I didn't think that his success was based on color or appealing to white America. He said that is because I am bias (being white I suppose), and I said no, I am racist. He said, "against who", I said, "the yodelers".

Those damn yodelling types always trying to get their voice heard, trying to bring about history and tradition to urban America, based on roots and hard fast lessons of life. Do they get a break? No. Sure, LeAnn Rhimes has a fleeting moment of fame, but was she true to her yodel, or just another pretty face? Rise up now, suppress the yodelers or anyone who tries to yodel. Certainly stop anyone who isn't of true yodel roots to try to yodel themselves. We can't have that kind of chaos running the streets. I mean people trying to learn other people's culture or appreciate the art of yodel. Get your bumper sticker now, "I hate yodelers" or "mean yodelers suck". Let us segregate and be apart from the yodelling community.

What? Are you laughing?

Oh don't tell me you haven't been somewhere just enjoying yourself and out of the back corner you hear that soft yodelling and don't get irritated? I do.

Top Places To Meet Women

2005-04-06T09:02:00.000-06:00

That is today's article of choice: Expert Advice: 7 good places to meet women. They come up with really cute ideas like yoga class, book club, public transportation, lecture, shoe store, dog park and cooking course. Who is writing this article? Have they been in the dating scene lately?

Can you picture the unfortunate guy who decides to take up this advice. There he will be riding the bus down to the book store to hear the latest lecture on women's rights walk through the dog park over to the shoe store and try to squeeze in a class at Wild Oats. All the while trying to meet these women who at every encounter is just going to piss them off for interrupting. Who wants to be hit on while attending a lecture? Or picking out a new pair of high heels, what is his introduction line going to be there? "Those are a nice selection, my Mother just bought a pair"? Can you even imagine him at a yoga class trying to make flirting eyes while in sitting duck position? I imagine that it is hard to carry on a deep conversation while trying to not step in dog doo-doo at the park, and the simple use of "watch out for that doo-doo" shots any possibility of seeming manly out the door.

I say meet women where they can't go anywhere. How about the Doctor's office? You have a full hour with her that she is going to have to talk to you, and not like she has anything better to do - so he is in. I suppose at this point though it would be best to maybe pick your office accordingly, I am not thinking an OBGYN office would be a huge success. Or try H&R Block waiting room, you could open with, "are you filing single?", hey everyone likes to talk about filing status. What about the untapped resource of scrapbook stores, lots of women there and hey they even come with a built in talent. Another huge saturation of women (who mostly talk about wanting a man) is the nail salon, although I haven't quite figured the angle there for why he would be just hanging around - maybe metrosexual (which is very 'in' now) and likes a good manicure. Think of it this way, it cost $20 which is cheaper then a night in the bar, you are there for at least an hour, surrounded by women.

Damn, I should publish that one.

Reality Shows

2005-04-05T12:58:00.000-06:00

So today's headliner is that Britney Spears and her husband Kevin are going to air their own reality of what it is like to be filthy rich and married ... gee when can I tune in?

I think secretly the CEOs of the television world are having a big laugh at our expense. I can just hear them in their board meeting, "I wonder how incredibly stupid the American public are, what reality show will they watch? Let's see we have done Cops, ER, singletons, married cheating bastards, rich bitches ... hmm what else?" They will see just how much we will suck into, next we are going to have reality shows about the exciting lives of the pod-people. You know like you and me in our little corporate cubicles, and there will be some cute Ashton Kutcher type that is going to 'punk' us to see how far peons will go before they explode.

There will be an entire episode dedicated to the time-card that won't clock you in, and swipe after swipe it just keeps saying "error". Or the one where maintenance says they have to shut down the water for the day, but there are porta-potties available for use. Watching everyone in their corporate suits trying to use the porta-potties in the middle of the mile long parking lot. Maybe a really fascinating episode where they randomly move your beige sedan to a new parking spot and see what happens.

Yea, stay tuned ....

If I were a comedian ...

2005-04-04T12:19:00.000-06:00

Last night we went to Wiseguy's Comedy Club in good ole West Valley, Utah. For a Sunday evening activity in Utah it rates high. Besides the fact that nothing else is going on, you can actually order beer there, making it a prime choice for entertainment.

They have open mic on Thursday nights, where anyone can give it a hand at being Mr. or Mrs. Funny for the night. I have often been told that I am a funny person, but am I really?

One has to consider that only a small portion of society are even going to get my jokes, I don't enjoy slap-stick humor, although no matter how old you are saying the word "diarrhea" still makes you giggle. But I enjoy the deeper humor or sometimes dark humor of our world, and you need a beyond normal IQ to get it. Well perhaps that is overstating it a bit, but if you are still reading then you know what I am talking about.

For instance today I scanned the news. Every news source is covering the Pope's death. I find it necessary at this point to say that I did in fact capitalize the Pope on purpose, even though no one else chooses to (my respects I suppose). After reading endlessly about how he spent his final hours, I went to the local news to see what else might be happening. Channel 4utah had the top 10 articles posted ... in order: Pope, park stabbing, LDS (Mormon), Snowfall, LDS conference, LDS Church statistics, Pope, "No Hope" left for the Pope, Teen beating, and ending it up with a nice rape story.

Okay so this is where I enjoy dark humor, but that line-up is pure comedy. Well we got a Pope story, better throw in some evil between, so umm yea lets put the stabbing story there, back to happier news the LDS church, tempered with some non-bias reporting on snowfall, back to our favorite story LDS conference and that was so good lets talk about church statistics followed by the cute phrase "no hope for the pope", and oh yea, these last two little diddies teen beating and rape. Have a nice day folks!