Tuesday, April 26, 2005

About relationships ....

I got this in an email forward, and since I am running short on time, I think it is a good quick post. Guess food for thought, maybe you agree and maybe you don't, but it gets you thinking.

  1. I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.
  2. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.
  3. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
  4. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.
  5. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.
  6. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.
  7. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
  8. Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.
  9. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.
  10. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.
  11. There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.
  12. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.
  13. Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

I poisoned my family!

I cooked a lovely meal last night of steak and french fries, ah yes you can already see where this is going. Getting ready this morning we all took turns emptying our stomachs as the waves of pain overtook us. I have a six year old and my thirteen year old cousin who is living with me, each asking me "why?".

My cousin came to live with me about two months ago, and I have attempted four meals since her arrival. One resulted in raw hamburger on the inside and crispy crunch on the outside, she made one attempt at eating that and then listened to rational thought and threw it out. My second attempt was at these fishstick type dinner, which ended up being charcoal briquettes, and not fit even for the garbage. One medicore dinner and then last night it turned out well, but this morning we are all wishing I would STOP cooking.

I can't cook for the kids then how do I even attempt to cook for a man. How will I win his heart, if I can't get to him through his stomach? No, I haven't attempted any sort of culinary skills on him yet, a blessing in disguise I think.

I better be good in bed.

Monday, April 18, 2005

I am scared

Here I sit watching the clock. I have fifteen minutes left.

Fifteen minutes till I must go change out of my Mr. Rogers work attire into the all important aerobic and get in shape look. Yes at this point it is a "look" and really nothing more, as I have been avoiding the gym for the last two months.

It didn't start this way, because there was this time I enjoyed working out, even to the point that I missed it terribly if by some slim chance I couldn't make the class. But then I fell ill, and one week bled into two weeks, and other excuses quickly followed.

Now I sit here in my little pod staring at the clock, and as the endless excuses run through my head, there is nothing worthy of me not attending. Just fear.

I am worried that I won't be in the shape I was before, and somehow the extra pounds I am carrying won't remind of such an important fact. There I will be trying to work out at the 'target' rate, and I will go to do a turn-around on the step and just fall over dead. I will be two breathes from dead, just enough time for our Human Resources Non Person to call the paramedic. They will rush in with their stretcher starting the pod farm gossip about who it is and why they deserve it, then onto the stretcher you go, out to the front of the building. The poor paramedic will have to carry my non-aerobic body on the stretcher down the front stairs because our elevator can't accommodate. People will have that pitty look of 'so sorry you are being embarrassed infront of everyone and glad it isn't me' as I am shoved out the front door.

Yes, this is the lengths I have gone to in my mind trying to create an excuse not to go.

I have to go change now ...

Monday, April 11, 2005

The Mouse Must Go

I admit - I have mouse envy! Is that even possible? In today's cyber world of gadgets that make you breathe heavy and bring pure web surfing ecstasy, how can a girl of ordinary nature compete?

I saw the gleam in his eye as he talked of the ability to click and scroll with the smoothness of the track ball, the way he got that far off stare reminiscing of days in the past that they shared together, or the memories they made.

Am I secure enough? Do I feel okay that I may not have the accessories that mouse does, but I do have charm and charisma, right? I mean try putting a slinky number on the wireless toy, will it look the same? Yea sure, it can take you to the world wide web, but can it hold you at night?

Soon, it will be outdated, and other gadgets will be trying to get your devotion, you will have to make that all important decision, to upgrade or not?

Yes, the mouse must go.

Friday, April 08, 2005

Yodel This!

Reading today's article where Elton John says "that Eminem is on par with Jimi Hendrix and Mick Jagger", it brought up a discussion among my esteemed colleagues about the merits of Eminem. To which I credited Eminem for being able to pull in audiences from all genres and get them to at least try rap, that is pretty monumental for an artist. To which it was said, "yea but he does white rap, that the white community likes". I said I didn't think that his success was based on color or appealing to white America. He said that is because I am bias (being white I suppose), and I said no, I am racist. He said, "against who", I said, "the yodelers".

Those damn yodelling types always trying to get their voice heard, trying to bring about history and tradition to urban America, based on roots and hard fast lessons of life. Do they get a break? No. Sure, LeAnn Rhimes has a fleeting moment of fame, but was she true to her yodel, or just another pretty face? Rise up now, suppress the yodelers or anyone who tries to yodel. Certainly stop anyone who isn't of true yodel roots to try to yodel themselves. We can't have that kind of chaos running the streets. I mean people trying to learn other people's culture or appreciate the art of yodel. Get your bumper sticker now, "I hate yodelers" or "mean yodelers suck". Let us segregate and be apart from the yodelling community.

What? Are you laughing?

Oh don't tell me you haven't been somewhere just enjoying yourself and out of the back corner you hear that soft yodelling and don't get irritated? I do.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Top Places To Meet Women

That is today's article of choice: Expert Advice: 7 good places to meet women. They come up with really cute ideas like yoga class, book club, public transportation, lecture, shoe store, dog park and cooking course. Who is writing this article? Have they been in the dating scene lately?

Can you picture the unfortunate guy who decides to take up this advice. There he will be riding the bus down to the book store to hear the latest lecture on women's rights walk through the dog park over to the shoe store and try to squeeze in a class at Wild Oats. All the while trying to meet these women who at every encounter is just going to piss them off for interrupting. Who wants to be hit on while attending a lecture? Or picking out a new pair of high heels, what is his introduction line going to be there? "Those are a nice selection, my Mother just bought a pair"? Can you even imagine him at a yoga class trying to make flirting eyes while in sitting duck position? I imagine that it is hard to carry on a deep conversation while trying to not step in dog doo-doo at the park, and the simple use of "watch out for that doo-doo" shots any possibility of seeming manly out the door.

I say meet women where they can't go anywhere. How about the Doctor's office? You have a full hour with her that she is going to have to talk to you, and not like she has anything better to do - so he is in. I suppose at this point though it would be best to maybe pick your office accordingly, I am not thinking an OBGYN office would be a huge success. Or try H&R Block waiting room, you could open with, "are you filing single?", hey everyone likes to talk about filing status. What about the untapped resource of scrapbook stores, lots of women there and hey they even come with a built in talent. Another huge saturation of women (who mostly talk about wanting a man) is the nail salon, although I haven't quite figured the angle there for why he would be just hanging around - maybe metrosexual (which is very 'in' now) and likes a good manicure. Think of it this way, it cost $20 which is cheaper then a night in the bar, you are there for at least an hour, surrounded by women.

Damn, I should publish that one.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Reality Shows

So today's headliner is that Britney Spears and her husband Kevin are going to air their own reality of what it is like to be filthy rich and married ... gee when can I tune in?

I think secretly the CEOs of the television world are having a big laugh at our expense. I can just hear them in their board meeting, "I wonder how incredibly stupid the American public are, what reality show will they watch? Let's see we have done Cops, ER, singletons, married cheating bastards, rich bitches ... hmm what else?" They will see just how much we will suck into, next we are going to have reality shows about the exciting lives of the pod-people. You know like you and me in our little corporate cubicles, and there will be some cute Ashton Kutcher type that is going to 'punk' us to see how far peons will go before they explode.

There will be an entire episode dedicated to the time-card that won't clock you in, and swipe after swipe it just keeps saying "error". Or the one where maintenance says they have to shut down the water for the day, but there are porta-potties available for use. Watching everyone in their corporate suits trying to use the porta-potties in the middle of the mile long parking lot. Maybe a really fascinating episode where they randomly move your beige sedan to a new parking spot and see what happens.

Yea, stay tuned ....

Monday, April 04, 2005

If I were a comedian ...

Last night we went to Wiseguy's Comedy Club in good ole West Valley, Utah. For a Sunday evening activity in Utah it rates high. Besides the fact that nothing else is going on, you can actually order beer there, making it a prime choice for entertainment.

They have open mic on Thursday nights, where anyone can give it a hand at being Mr. or Mrs. Funny for the night. I have often been told that I am a funny person, but am I really?

One has to consider that only a small portion of society are even going to get my jokes, I don't enjoy slap-stick humor, although no matter how old you are saying the word "diarrhea" still makes you giggle. But I enjoy the deeper humor or sometimes dark humor of our world, and you need a beyond normal IQ to get it. Well perhaps that is overstating it a bit, but if you are still reading then you know what I am talking about.

For instance today I scanned the news. Every news source is covering the Pope's death. I find it necessary at this point to say that I did in fact capitalize the Pope on purpose, even though no one else chooses to (my respects I suppose). After reading endlessly about how he spent his final hours, I went to the local news to see what else might be happening. Channel
4utah had the top 10 articles posted ... in order: Pope, park stabbing, LDS (Mormon), Snowfall, LDS conference, LDS Church statistics, Pope, "No Hope" left for the Pope, Teen beating, and ending it up with a nice rape story.

Okay so this is where I enjoy dark humor, but that line-up is pure comedy. Well we got a Pope story, better throw in some evil between, so umm yea lets put the stabbing story there, back to happier news the LDS church, tempered with some non-bias reporting on snowfall, back to our favorite story LDS conference and that was so good lets talk about church statistics followed by the cute phrase "no hope for the pope", and oh yea, these last two little diddies teen beating and rape. Have a nice day folks!